Draco's monologue
by fanfictionator
Summary: Hermione overhears noise coming from Draco's bathroom. After deciding to listen in, she cannot help but to expel her laughter. What will Draco do?-The Monologues is the continuation of this story, but I like it as a oneshot as well.


A/N: This is my first published story on

**A/N: This is my first published story on ! YAY! I have three other stories but I don't have internet access on that computer yet! Read and Review! Make a fellow author happy!**

Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter! MWAHAHAHA! It's mine!... Gotcha! Darn... I was starting to like that idea!

**DRACO'S MONOLOGUE**

"Is there anything more… Beautiful than that?" Draco Malfoy asked himself aloud as he mooned over his reflection in the green, head boy's bathroom next to the green head boy's room he had taken to calling home.

In the next room was nosy, infamous bookworm Hermione Granger (who happened to be head girl). She stood next to the thin wall separating her bathroom from his listening intently wondering whom, exactly, he was talking to and what, precisely, he was speaking of.

To sate her curiousity, she decided, she had to sneak over to the door and peek into his bathroom. Along with being well-read and nosy our dear Hermione was also clumsy, and as such tripped over her robes twice ("Freaking' robes…ssshhh!" she had whispered) before deciding it far safer to crawl (in her reasoning, since she was closer to the ground it would hurt less, and make less noise, if she were to fall again). Fumbling with the door handle, trying to make as little noise as possible, Hermione opened the door that ajoined the room up a large crack. Pressing her eye to the crack and her ear against the door, shivering as her skin met the cold wood, she was amused to see the scene that lay before her like one of her favorite muggle comedies.

"My hair… shines like a thousand suns!" Hermione choked. Then she realized that he might hear her and she stopped her laughing.

_That was weird… Sounded like a dying screwt… Anyway…_

The platinum hair was being mussed by his hands and he was enjoying the compliments… from himself.

"Those eyes…" he growled sexily, or as sexily as one can growl at one's self, "They're like stars that sparkle in the night… Silver eyes have more resemblance to stars than blue ones… Who ever came up with that bloody saying anyway? Eh… who cares?" Getting as close to the mirror as possible without kissing it, he heard something like giggling.

_It's probably Granger snoring…_

"_The arrogant 'slytherin prince' has a weakness… Himself! Hahaha!_" the brunette girl thought to herself with another giggle.

"Mmmmmm…." He was starting to speak and and fondle his nose, but she could not interpret his words so she pressed closer against the door squishing it open just a bit farther.

"My ears are so…hmm… What's the right word? … Voluptuous! Yeah… and there's millions out there who would like to bite it… To get a nibble of me…_growl_… Maybe I should sell nibbles on HeBay or whatever the muggles call it!"

Snickering into her fingers, Hermione decided to record everything else he was going to say. Pulling out her wand, she muttered _Reccudo!_ and her wand began documenting every sound. She held the wand to her mouth and muttered, "This is Hermione Jane Granger reperoting; Slimy, Slytherin, speaks spectacularly of his, so spoken, 'spectacular self'!"

Moving the wand to the wall, she resumed her eavesdropping.

"Would you take a look at that?" His foot was on the black counter and he had decided to set his butt on it as well. Examining his foot, he spoke, "My feet are like… muggle rowboat oars! They make the water ripple, they break the surface and push me along."

She couldn't take it anymore. Her hands were still over her opened mouth, but they didn't muffle the snort that came from her nose.

"_Merlin! He is so mental!"_ she thought.

Draco's head whipped around to the wall, though thankfully not the door.

"What was that?" he whispered to himself. "Oi! GRANGER!!"

Keeping as quiet as possible, she stripped her clothes and placed a towel on her body, moving away from the door and, for once, soundlessly shutting the door. Muttering a spell under her breath, her hair was wet and she appeared to have been taking a bath or a shower.

She walked to the door she had so recently sat before and opened it, "What, Malfoy?" she asked her voice filled with casual contempt, if such a thing is possible.

"Were your filthy little ears listening to me, _Granger_?" He glanced at her hair then down to her towel, pausing at the sight of what little cleavage her towel didn't cover completely. After a moment, the icy glare was sent once more to her face.

"No, _Malfoy_, why would I want to listen to what you have to say? It should be obvious to even you that I was bathing."

He said nothing at first and stared into her ginger eyes coolly, "Obviously…"

He stepped back and slammed the door. Unfortunately for her toes and her nose, she was partially in the doorway.

"Bloody hell! Aghhh!" She muttered a healing spell twice for her big toe and the gushing nostril. Once everything was well she noticed that Malfoy's contempt had been his undoing. Since she was in the door when he closed it it had stayed open a slit. She whispered the incantation to replace her wet hair and towel with a long plait and pajamas.

Just as he resumed his speech she resumed her spot and her recording, "My lips are _sooo_ BIG! That everyone, girls and gays that is, just want to… _BLBLBLBLBLBLBBBLLLLB_!," she once again restrained her laughter as Malfoy ran his hand over his lips repeatedly to create the sound effect.

"I have the butt of a black man… well minus a few muscles," Hermione thought of his butt and could only think of the flat one she remembered from second year, the only time she had let her hormones take charge and checked him out.

"_Yea and minus a few inches. He is delusional!_" she thought with another small snort of derision.

A glint in the mirror, caught his attention. "Oh, my hair shines like a thousand suns! My eyes sparkle like stars in the night sky!" He brushed his hair back from his face and saw his ears. "My ears are so voluptuous! Someone out there wants to just nibble them…" he pulled his earlobe and let it snap back into place, "And my feet are like rowboat oars… they make the water ripple. My lips are _soo_ big! Bunches of girls want to… _BLBLBLBLBLBBBLLLLBLB!_" 'again with the lip thing!' Hermione thought,_ "_And my butt…" his pale hand brushed across his posterior and he smirked at himself in the mirror, "is one of a black man! Well… minus a few muscles…….. My hair shines like a thousand suns… and my eyes are like stars in the night sky! My ears are so voluptuous! ….."

He continued speaking but Hermione had to humiliate him.

She stood and took a deep breath, _Knock! Knock! Knock!_

Footsteps were heard and the door creaked open.

"What do you want now Granger?" He tilted his head and let out an angry sigh like he was upset because at yet anther interruption.

A smile spread over her lips. She started skipping around the room… She put on a mocking, manly voice and said, "My hair shines like a thousand suns, and my eyes are the color of stars in the night! My ears are so voluptuous!" She was still skipping around imitating his actions and Draco was now out of his bathroom through her bathroom and bedroom and they were running around the common room in circles.

"I SWEAR GRANGER… IF ANYONE HEARS ABOUT THIS, YOU'RE DEAD!" he screeched in the manliest way possible.

"And my lips are SOO BIG!" she continued, still managing to out run him, "Someone just wants to… BLBLBLBLBLBLBBBLLLBLB! And I have the butt of a black man!" she slapped her butt, "Hahahehehaha!" She doubled over causing her to stop and him to run into, then stumble back a few steps and he stopped chasing her around in circles.

She stood up straight again and smirked at him. Starting to run again, he chased her not exactly knowing what he would do once he caught her.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"MY HAIR SHINES…"

**A/N: So what did you think? Let me know! Just push the GO! button and make my day! Thanks!**

**Oh yea! Thanks goes out to my Beta reader... the best one ever... she's really cool!... she should beta for anyone who wants a rocking story! THANKS QUIK-WIT! **


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